Time out for a little humor

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Offline Jerry Freeman

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Time out for a little humor
« on: August 23, 2022, 02:34:07 AM »
 A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a lawyer are in a train. The Russian takes a bottle of the best vodka out of his pack; pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In Russia, we have the best vodka in the world, nowhere in the world you can find vodka as good as what we produce in Russia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away...". Saying that, he opens the window and throws the rest of the bottle out the window.

All the others are quite impressed.

The Cuban opens a box of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to smoke it saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas. Nowhere in the world are there better cigars, and we have so many of them, that we can just throw them away...". Saying that, he throws the box of Havanas out the window.

One more time, everybody is quite impressed.

The American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the lawyer out...
___________________________________________________________________________________
Next time you think your hotel bill is too high, you might want to consider this...

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.00.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00.

When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man,and then explainsthat the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.

"But we didn't use them," the man complains.

"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows, "complains the man again.

"Well,we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, the man replies,

"But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir,"he says, this check is only made out for $50.00."

"That's correct," says the man."I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife."

"But I didn't!" exclaims theManager.

"Well, too bad," the man replies."She was here and you could have."
_________________________________________________________________________________________________
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling Diamonds"
7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."
8. Don't use any punctuation
9.As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.
15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.
16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.
17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"
18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."
« Last Edit: August 29, 2022, 06:56:27 PM by Jerry Freeman »

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Time out for a little humor
« on: August 23, 2022, 02:34:07 AM »

Offline Jerry Freeman

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Re: The Joke's on You
« Reply #1 on: August 29, 2022, 05:41:43 PM »
 Headline----British government forms July 4 committee to investigate the root cause of the American insurrection.
 
 Law enforcement in the age of dinosaurs...triceracops.

 A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away.
At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall jarring the casket.
 They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for 10 more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same chapel and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying the casket.
As they are walking the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother. The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering, her voice begins warbling, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning. Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?"
The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, "Grandmother? Is that you?"
 "Yes granddaughter, it's me."
 "It's really, really you, grandmother?", the woman repeats.
 "Yes, it's really me, granddaughter." The woman looks puzzled, "You're sure it's you, grandmother?" "Yes, granddaughter, I'm sure it's me."
The woman pauses a moment, "Grandmother, I have a question for you."
"Anything, my child."  "Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?"

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Re: The Joke's on You
« Reply #1 on: August 29, 2022, 05:41:43 PM »

Offline Jerry Freeman

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Re: The Joke's on You
« Reply #2 on: August 29, 2022, 06:49:41 PM »
 This guy was having an affair with a 17-year-old girl who had lied about her age. When he learned the truth, he broke it off and over the next few weeks, guilt set in and he confessed to his wife.
 
 She screamed at him, "How could you cheat on me like that with an older woman?”
__________________________________________________________________________ _______
What ‘competitive salary’ really means--
 
  It means your salary will be competing with your bills.
___________________________________________________________________________________

A police motorcycle cop stops a driver for running a red light.
The driver is a real jerk, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer,
 demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!
 
So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist
 instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual
 orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.
The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.

When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right
 corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator'
 for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with
 his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.

The officer says, "That's so if it goes to court, I'll remember that you were an ass hole!"
Two months later they are in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record and he
 is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.
On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light.

Under cross examination the defense attorney asks;
 "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"
Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine,
 same number at the top."

Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you
 don't normally make?"
"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."
"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"
"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."
"Aggressive and hostile?"
"Yes, Sir.”
"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for ass hole?"
“Well, sir, you might know your client better than I do.”

How often can someone hire an attorney that will wind up convicting their own client?

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Re: The Joke's on You
« Reply #2 on: August 29, 2022, 06:49:41 PM »

Offline Jerry Freeman

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Re: The Joke's on You
« Reply #3 on: August 29, 2022, 06:53:59 PM »

 This pirate walks into a bar..and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
 "What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
 "What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
 "Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."
 The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand? "The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand got cut off. I got fitted with this hook but I'm fine, really."
 "What about that eye patch?"
 "Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of seagulls flew over. I looked up, and one of them crapped in my eye."
 "You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird crap."
 "Well.. it was just right after I got this damned hook."
___________________________________________________________________
Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared...
 
  ...and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each...
 
 The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.
 
 The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.
 
 Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!
 
 The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.
 
 In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers; "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each."
 
 The villagers gathered up all their savings and bought all the monkeys.
 
 They never saw the man nor his assistant again, only monkeys everywhere!
 
 Now you have a better understanding of how the cryptocurrency market works.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.
 Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
 
 A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
 
 I think we should get rid of democracy. All in favor raise your hand.
 
 America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote
 
 The consensus after the election is that 100% of Americans think 50% of Americans have lost their minds.
 
 People who want to share their religious or political views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
 
 I once meet an honest, caring, politician that listened when I spoke and tried to help the country. Then I woke up

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Re: The Joke's on You
« Reply #3 on: August 29, 2022, 06:53:59 PM »

Offline Jerry Freeman

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Re: Time out for a little humor
« Reply #4 on: August 30, 2022, 04:35:35 AM »

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Re: Time out for a little humor
« Reply #4 on: August 30, 2022, 04:35:35 AM »

Offline Jerry Freeman

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Re: Time out for a little humor
« Reply #5 on: September 03, 2022, 01:11:58 AM »
He was wandering around the fairgrounds when he happened to see a fortune teller's tent.
Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down.
"Ah....." said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. "I see you are the father of two children."
"That's what you think," he laughed. "I'm the father of FIVE children."
The woman grinned and said, "That's what YOU think!"   
___________________________________________________________________________



______________________________________________________________________________
 
Two couples went on a vacation together. One of the men stated, "Our sex life has become routine and fairly predictable, don't you ever get tired of your wife?"
 
 "I know exactly what you mean, I wonder if our wives will consent to swapping."
 
 Much to their amazement the women consented to the arrangement.
 
 Early the next morning the husbands compared notes. "How was it for you?"
 
 "I haven't had this much fun in ages!" said the other.
 
 "Me, too. Now let's go see how the girls made out."

 

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Re: Time out for a little humor
« Reply #5 on: September 03, 2022, 01:11:58 AM »

Offline Jerry Freeman

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Re: Time out for a little humor
« Reply #6 on: September 04, 2022, 05:23:54 PM »
It came to the attention of the local United Way staff that they had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute and said, "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
 
 The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, Did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
 
 Embarrassed, the United Way representative mumbled, "Um... No."
 
 "Or," the lawyer continued, "that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
 
 The stricken United Way representative began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted when the lawyer added, "Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "Leaving her pennyless with three children?"
 
 The humiliated United Way representative, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
 
 On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________
A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?"
 
 The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confesses. "Yes. Yes he did."
 
 The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks, "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?"
 
 Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says, "You."

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Re: Time out for a little humor
« Reply #6 on: September 04, 2022, 05:23:54 PM »

Offline Jerry Freeman

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Re: Time out for a little humor
« Reply #7 on: September 04, 2022, 05:42:15 PM »
A couple of guys in a mental institution...one guys says 'I'm going break out of here tonight' the other guy says 'What?---are you crazy?'
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 She was kidnapped by a gang of mimes.
  They did unspeakable things to her.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 

Tired of being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decides to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as beneficiary, and arranging to have her killed.
 
 A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure that went by the name of "Artie." Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.
 
 The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid something up front. The man opened up his wallet, displaying a single dollar bill that rested inside.
 
 Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.
 
 A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife into the local Safeway grocery store. There he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled onto the scene.
 
 Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well. Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings was captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police.
 
 Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store.
 
 Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband. And that is why the next day in the newspaper, the headlines declared:
 
 "ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT SAFEWAY"

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Re: Time out for a little humor
« Reply #7 on: September 04, 2022, 05:42:15 PM »

 

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