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LoginBarnidge: Theorists have a conspiracy for every occasion
By Tom Barnidge
Contra Costa Times columnist
Posted: 05/24/2011 08:13:06 AM PDT
Updated: 05/24/2011 08:13:07 AM PDT
I OWE AN apology to the conspiracy theorists among our readership. I underestimated their dedication to the craft. For the past two weeks, they have trained their truth-sharing emails on my inbox the way UFOs target cows in Nebraska.
Since making light of the multiple rumors surrounding Osama bin Laden's death -- he's not really dead; he's been dead for 10 years; he was the stooge blamed for U.S.-orchestrated 9/11 attacks -- I have been labeled an
,
, simpleton, tool and other terms best left to the imagination.
No offense taken. We need all the readers we can get. The wonder is that so many enlightened thinkers care what a dim bulb has to say.
The gist of their message, minus the expletives: Never, ever trust the federal government to tell the truth about anything, even the dates of national holidays. Or, rephrased: Only fools accept a straightforward story when it's so much more fun to concoct a convoluted one.
But let's not put words in their mouths. Some email excerpts:
"The country is run by the transnational corporations, big pharma and the Bilderburg Group. If you think our government is on the up and up, you are a fool. I think you are too stupid to be writing. Get another job."
OK, I'm on it. What's a good job for a stupid person?
"I read your editorial this morning with a degree of concern, and wondered whether you are a tool of Propaganda Central or just intellectually lazy."
Please talk this over with the first guy. He seems to think it's a simple case of stupidity.
"Ignorance must be bliss. I truly wish I could keep my head buried in the sand like you."
Don't be silly. When you are stupid, intellectually lazy and a propaganda tool, there's no need to hide your head in the sand.
Conspiracy theorists seem to adhere to the same general theme: A select network of international power brokers periodically convene behind closed doors with decoder rings to determine our fate. They pull the president's strings, control the global economy and dictate the future while we waste time watching reality shows and Raiders games.
Among the surprising facts I recently learned:
John F. Kennedy's assassination was masterminded by Lyndon B. Johnson.
Pat Tillman was killed by U.S. special-ops forces to prevent him from speaking out against the war in Afghanistan.
Deputy White House counsel Vince Foster's death was not a suicide.
Kennedy's assassination was pulled off by Frank Sinatra's buddies in the mafia.
The government limits water to San Joaquin Valley farmers to drive them off the land.
The Twin Towers were prepped with thermite to make certain they collapsed when jets crashed into them.
Kennedy's assassination was a CIA job.
Pearl Harbor was a false flag attack.
George W. Bush and Barack Obama worked together to hide bin Laden's death for a decade.
Kennedy's assassination was perpetrated by Fidel Castro's hit men.
It is humbling to find how little I knew about the secret underpinnings of our nation, and it's eye-opening to discover how well conspirators can keep secrets.
Not everybody can, you know.
Kennedy couldn't keep secret his affair with Marilyn Monroe. Richard Nixon couldn't keep a lid on Watergate. Ronald Reagan couldn't cover up the Iran-Contra affair, and Bill Clinton couldn't hide Monica Lewinski.
Maybe that's why they never rose above president to join the secret decision-makers' club.
